I distinctly remember the physician informing me that I would forever struggle with food and probably never recover from bulimia."What the hell am I doing here, then?" I thought to myself as my last glimmer of hope slipped through my clinched fists.
Severe depression accompanies eating disorders. I am unsure which is worse, the lack of ambition and torment of suicidal ideation or the over-consuming obsession with an unattainable level of perfection accompanied by an unshakable fear of being vulnerable and known.
Below is a snippet of my experience while struggling with bulimia.
Behind the smile, I am a little girl who was unwanted.
Beneath the talent, I am striving yet insecure.
Beyond the outfits and accessories, I am bare and ashamed.
Behind the witty jokes, I yearn for acceptance.
Beneath the accomplishments, I am empty.
Beyond the façade, I run from love.
For fear entangles my every thought.
Stepping into the unknown.
Crumbling.
Breaking.
Broken.
Trapped.
If, in her old age, Sarah, Abram's wife, can become pregnant (Genesis 21) and a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years can be healed (Luke 8) and water can be turned to fine wine at the wedding in Cana (John 2) and Jesus can tell a crippled man to get up and walk (Matthew 9), then God can definitely heal his people from eating disorders!
I do still struggle from time to time with body image and food, but God has given me HIS wisdom, strength and perseverance to charge on and continue to do the hard work of recovery.
If you know someone who may be suffering from depression, a clinical eating disorder or disordered eating, reach out and continue to be a supportive friend. It is a long battle to healing. If you are in the midst of the war between body and mind, may my story be encouraging. You can overcome, too.
