I am thrilled to introduce to you an honest and vulnerable woman with issues. Food issues. Her story is her own unique memoir, but I guarantee you or someone you know can relate as over 2/3 of American women and girls struggle with food.
I am honored to introduce Debbie Clevenger, guest author at RE: Defining Beautyful You. Adoptive mother, hospice nurse, fitness enthusiast, mentor, friend, daughter, sister, auntie. She wears many hats. The best of which is Daughter of the King. Her story to a healthier life is inspiring. Dropping nearly 100 pounds and becoming the woman God intended her to be... She's my mom. Check out her story below.
As far back as I can remember, I heard voices. I was six years old, in kindergarten at the Rider’s Club.
"I don’t have any real friends."
"If I was little people would like me."
"There is nothing about me that makes me special."
"I different and different isn’t good."
I am the fifth of 12 children in my family. I remember feeling overlooked, invisible, and lonely. My whole identity seemed to come from the fact that I was a “Perry girl." Strangely enough, the phrase would invoke feelings of pride, but I often felt lumped together with this large group of people and I didn’t fit.
My physical appearance is nothing like that of my siblings. I am tall and dark in complexion and hair with green eyes. Many of my siblings are fair, petite and have ocean blue eyes just like my dad. People would joke about my having been adopted or say that I didn’t have the same dad as my siblings. Though I knew it wasn’t the truth, the feelings I experienced when I heard these comments became part of my reality. When I looked in the mirror, different stared back at me.
And so began my journey of people-pleasing, working to gain approval, and using food to stuff my feelings and anesthetize my pain. I began sneaking food and stealing cookies from the fridge at the Rider’s Club when I was six years old. The voices sounded like my own.
"You’re so ugly."
"No one likes you."
"She is pretending to be your friend."
"If you weren’t so fat…."
"You are SO STUPID."
"If they knew the truth…."
"No one would notice if you were gone."
"You don’t matter."
I heard a continual stream of accusations and I begun to believe every word. Without knowing why, food became my companion. I could shut out the hurt, the people, and the world. Food would not reject me. It soothed my pain. With food, I could experience pleasure and hide my identity. In a food coma, I could no longer feel.
It wasn’t until I was an adult that I learned the continually-looping recording in the background of my mind was not healthy. I was not conscious of it all the time, but it was there, lying to me. A constant companion, berating, belittling, tick marks, wounding my heart. I tried to fix myself. Smile more, work harder, focus on the needs of others. Nothing worked for long. I was fractured and wounded.
I learned there was only one way to be made whole and that would be at the hands of a loving, gentle, all powerful, loving God. The God, whom I learned later, was with me, holding my right hand even as I was feeling rejected by the world and was rejecting myself. God was loving me, carrying me when I felt alone, afraid, used-up, and ugly. He allowed me to experience these things, but never left me alone.
As you read this, you may be seeing your truth in my words. Let me assure you, you are NOT alone. The Creator of the universe fashioned you in your mother’s womb. Yes, he knows the number of hairs on your head and he has heard every lie ever shouted, or whispered, in your ear. He is Jehovah Rapha, The Lord that heals.
In order to be transformed, I had to learn how to feel again. God sent a warm, wonderful woman with great love and faith into my life to walk me down the path of healing. He took my broken-little-girl heart and, little by little, brought fullness of joy. He is my Jehovah Rapha, and the healing continues today. He wants to be your healer, your Lord, your Savior. You need only ask and surrender.
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| Debbie with her personal trainer, Joe, getting work done on her 51st birthday! |
Me: "In your journey to healing, what did it tangibly look like to surrender?"
Debbie: "As my healing transformation began, God walked with me on the path. First, I had to surrender the walls I had built to protect myself from feeling. Next I had to give up the idea that someone "did this to me, caused my pain." I had to let go of blame and forgive. Finally, surrender happens daily, multiple times daily, and most often, it is me acknowledging that I do not have control. I do not NEED control..."
Me: "How would you encourage others who have experienced deep wounds and fill the void with food?"
Debbie: "To encourage others, I often say, 'You are a daughter of the Most High King. He knows you intimately and loves you dearly. Nothing can separate you from him. So when you feel yourself slipping into the fog that allows you to to shutdown emotionally, call out to God, lean into him. Take a moment and listen to the voices in your head and correct the lies with biblical truths.'"
Me: In 5 words or less, what is your definition of beauty?
Debbie: "Courage, kindness, humility, acceptance, my children. I know that was 6. But you kids were the very FIRST thing that came to my mind when I read the question."
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Live wholly, love fully, rejoice daily.
KC
xoxo
