Sure Ways to Know He’s Just Not That Into You…From Personal Experience

   

1.    Your call randomly drops after one ring because he has blocked your number (ouch!)

2.    At the end of your date, he claims he is so tired and needs to take a nap, leaving you to walk yourself out

3.    He never calls or texts after the first date

4.    You have repeat conversations. For some reason he cannot remember anything you’ve talked about

5.    He leads you on for two months, talking almost every day, but never initiates seeing you again

6.    He claims he needs to pray about if he should come visit

7.    He texts that he needs space

8.    He declares he needs a sexual relationship while dating and since you are in vocational ministry, you are probably not a good match for each other (duh!)

9.    On a first date he very creepily tells you that you are so beautiful and then reaches for your butt

10. He talks about himself and knows nothing about you

11. He asks if your friend is single

12. He finds out where your friend works and leaves flowers for her at the front desk, of course, after learning these details from you

13. He calls you “sis”

14. He assures you that you’ll meet Mr. Right soon enough (because it’s not him!)

15. He gets mad that you did not answer your phone one time and never texts or calls you back after you respond only 2 hours later

16. On a first date, he compliments your “breeding hips”

17. He makes sure you will be ok with raising and homeschooling the 8 children he plans on having and wants to know what “submissive” means to you

18. He tells you that you’re outspoken when you share a simple opinion

19. He interviews you on the first two dates and never calls again

20. He claims to be so thankful to have you as a friend 

Friend zone

 

If you have thought this, you might be crazy.

Finding Contentment in Singleness

I admit it. I have lied. BIG, huge, bold-faced lies. I vividly remember explaining how amazing singleness is and how I would be fine with never getting married, how I would be ok with adopting as a single mom if that was what God called me to. The reality is quite different. I did not mean to lie. I was verbalizing what I thought I needed to believe if I was actually going to be content in my singleness.

Stop lying to yourself!

In my state of singleness-yet-wanting-to-be-married, I really just wanted God’s best, but was struggling with the tension of contentment in singleness and managing the desire to start my own family. I was running from the tension of my desires versus God’s best, wading through doubt that I would ever get married or get to be a mom. Looking back, I now understand why God was keeping me in a place of muddling and question. 

I learned to trust Him a little bit more and was reminded I am not the author of His story for my life. That state of muddle brought a renewed contentment to muddling itself. I am embracing the tension between fully living in the present, yet dreaming of and working toward the future. I refuse to be so caught up in the future that I miss out on today. But, I will also not compromise future chapters of this beautiful life by stagnantly walking through the weeks as if this is all there is. The muddling is where I put words to the life I envision myself living, the qualities in which I am looking for in a life partner, what is a non-negotiable and what is me being hypercritical.

Many married people have so graciously offered their un-asked-for advice, telling me to stay single as long as possible. Thanks guys. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul tells us it is better to remain single (like himself) than to marry. I would have to agree that as a single person, I am more able to submerse myself in vocational ministry without the distraction of family or needing to intentionally make time for a spouse and kids. But, Paul also denotes singleness as a gift. Do we all have the same gifting?

The original text uses the word charisma, meaning “grace or gifts denoting extraordinary powers, distinguishing certain Christians and enabling them to serve the church of Christ, the reception of which is due to the power of divine grace operating on their souls by the Holy Spirit.”

This same word is seen in Romans 1:11, “For I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord.”

I have come this conclusion:

It is a gift, not an identity.

Singleness is a gift. It is good. For some it is a lifelong gifting and for others merely for a season. Singleness allows the individual more focused attention on serving the church (i.e. God’s people). I should be thankful for and value this season of my life rather than running from it. And, someday, when I am married, I am not going to give that same “stay single” advice I received as a single person.

Understand this. In no way am I claiming to know the secret of contentment or that I am prepared for marriage. Who is?! What I am prepared for is to accept tension and this season of singleness. I will be tempted to look at the grass on the other side of the fence, but I will not obsess with it. I will probably go through another low place of questioning God and his plan for my life. I can guarantee I will continue to rejoice in my friends’ new relationships, engagements, weddings and kids and stomp out that little voice giving me permission to pout and have a pity party.

Singleness is good. Marriage is good. Both are challenging to different degrees. The key is to lean into the tension, trust God and live well.

Call the doctor, something must be wrong! She loves Jesus but she is still SINGLE!

This is the first of four of "Lessons I've Learned During Singleness." 

I guess if you gotta be single, might as well write about it ;)

Not long ago, while introducing myself to a few older-than-me, wiser-than-me, married Christians, I was asked, “Why are you still single?”

Her face almost grimaced, as if it was absolutely incomprehensible that at my ripe, old age of 26 I would dare to not even be in a serious, committed dating relationship.

Good question, moron. 

Then was reminded that the individual probably wasn’t a moron, God loves her too, but she asked a very stupid question. By the way, anyone who says there are no stupid questions is wrong. Asking a 26-year-old, passionate, God-loving, Jesus-following children’s pastor why she is still single is a stupid question.

While most of my friends are either in serious relationships progressing toward wedding bells, have just tied the knot or are married and cookin’ up baby number three, I am single. While my innermost self demands the hustle and bustle of city life, I live in a small farming community in Idaho, a seven hour drive from my family through rolling hills of golden wheat and spotty, at best, cell service. While I, too, desire a family and to maybe even be a stay-at-home mommy, I will remind you I am single and definitely not called to adopt as a single parent.

At times, I have outright questioned God. “Why did you make me the way you did and put me where you did?!”

His response is always concise and clear. Preparation, My Daughter. 

Man, I love how much God loves me. Even when I question Him, yes, the Creator of the Universe, He clearly gives me an answer that will shut me up and accept His good story in His perfect time. Throughout this journey of singleness, I have come to a freedom-giving conclusion.

SINGLENESS IS NOT A DISEASE AND OTHERS' EXPECTATIONS FOR MY LIFE MEAN JACK.

I’m not ill. There is nothing wrong with me. I haven’t screwed up so much that God is determined to protect every man from the mess of my past and confusion of my present. I believe it is somewhat of the opposite, actually.

• I am available to babysit for my close friends when they need time away with their husbands
• My teeny, cute apartment is quick to clean and just enough
• God has blessed me with a place to have girls over to just connect and hang out
• I have solitude to hear God and more time to learn who Jesus is and who that makes me before entering a serious, long-term relationship
• I don’t have to cook dinner if I don’t feel like it
• Laundry day means cleaning two loads
• Riding my bike to the office is doable (and enjoyable) because I have no kids to shuffle around or errands to run after work
• Planning for holidays is far less dynamic
• My mommy friends show me what parenting is really going to be like…reality check
• And a whole lot more

 

Someday, I will probably look back and wish I had a 478 square foot, quiet, clean apartment and then I will remember I did at one point and I am thankful I enjoyed the blessing for that time. But in the meantime, I am going to trust God has already written a good story and I just don't know what the next chapter is going to unveil. I trust Him. Completely.

I leave you with this:

1. Please do not be the moron who questions single adults as to why they are single. They do not know either. And your question can come off as a put down.

2. If you are single, enjoy it. Do something only single people can do like write a book in quietness, go grocery shopping without kids in the cart, take an impromptu trip wherever you want, and definitely leave dirty dishes in the sink for a week if you’re busy or don’t feel like doing dishes. Invest in the younger generation. Consider your community. Serve in your church. Live a fulfilling, single life.

3. Single people, don’t turn into that moron who asks singles why they are still single. Remember you used to think that was a stupid question.

Letter from the King to His Daughter

From the beginning of time, I knew you.
I created man from my essence.
But I knew he would need a helper.
I fashioned you together to be just that.
You inspire the world to be more beautiful.
With your smile, you offer assurance.
With your embrace, acceptance.
Your presence lights up any room.
I made you to shine.
You are my girl.
Please do not cower behind socially acceptable facades.
I see through the mask.
I have called you to holiness.
My holiness.
Beautiful daughter, know you are always enough.
Never too much.
You are not a burden, but a joy.
You bless those around you.
Be still in my presence.
Allow me to show you the value and worth in which I created you.
Stop trying so hard.
You are more than okay.
You are My delight, My gem, My girl.
I call you my own and with you I am well pleased.
You are my chosen one. A royal priesthood. My special possession.
Nothing you ever do will change my unending love for you.
As you walk in My freedom, you inspire change.
Be transparent.
Be vulnerable.
The world needs to see me through you.
Walk boldly, daughter.

The Catalyst Leader: 8 Essentials for Becoming a Change Maker

I have only read the intro and one chapter of The Catalyst Leader: 8 Essentials for Becoming a Change Maker and I am 100% certain I will recommend this book to every leader under the age of 40. Why 40, you ask? Well, Catalyst, a convergence of next generation leaders, exists to give young people a leadership training experience like none other. Catalyst Conference topics address a variety of subjects meaningful to Next Generation Leaders:

• organizational leadership
• personal leadership
• integrity
• character
• relationships
• teamwork 
• and more 

Whether prepared for the responsibility or not, there is a growing trend of young people accepting leadership roles without having much, if any, experience. Fresh-faced college grads are running successful nonprofits, pastoring large and growing churches, quickly climbing the ladder to CEO of Fortune 500 companies. It's happening, whether we like it or not.  

Young influences are leading now. And we must learn to lead well. I highly recommend picking up Brad Lomenick's Catalyst Leader. I am so encouraged and inspired as I was encouraged to think and write on what my God-given passions and talents are and challenged to utilize those passions right where I am at! 

Young leaders, let's start leading well!  

http://catalystconference.com/events/

Living Beyond Comfort

The pursuit of the American dream is no longer about family and faith, but consumerism, wealth, socioeconomic status. We are in pursuit of comfort. But that is not the life God calls us to. The Christian life wasn't meant to be easy. Jesus warns us of troubles, that we must carry our cross and follow him (Luke 14:27).

Dear friends, do not be surprised at the fiery ordeal that has come on you to test you, as though something strange were happening to you.
1 Peter 4:12 


So often, I find myself in a comfy life...I drive one mile to the grocery store to buy what I feel like eating and my closet is packed with enough clothes to never wear a repeat outfit for weeks on end. My queen sized mattress is topped with memory foam and I schedule in five workouts every week. In no way am I saying these things are evil, but the comforts of life cannot overtake the mission of Christ. How can I claim to follow Christ, yet only halfheartedly study His Word? I'm not living out Kingdom principles when I am consumed with the details of my own life, never slowing down enough to love the people in my sphere of influence.

What is more, I consider everything a loss compared to the surpassing greatness of knowing Christ Jesus my Lord, for whose sake I have lost all things. I consider them rubbish, that I may gain Christ and be found in him, not having a righteousness of my own that comes from the law, but that which is through faith in Christ--the righteousness that comes from God and is by faith. I want to know Christ and the power of his resurrection and the fellowship of sharing in his sufferings, becoming like him in his death, and so, somehow, to attain to the resurrection from the dead. 
Philippians 3:8-11

Are you setting yourself up to be comfortable?
What things do you love too much?

3 Point Take-Away from OC13

Orange Conference 2013, Gwinnet Center

1. We are all posers.

Extreme, intense energy and passion for Jesus Christ. That is Bob Goff. He is infectiously animated. His enthusiasm is more contagious than the most fatal epidemic of bubonic plague. Bob Goff clearly loves God and loves people. My defenses instantly perked when Bob said, “We are all posers.”

But he is right. 

I do not live up to the potential God has put in us because I waste time worrying about what people think of me. We are afraid of becoming who God has created us to be and, as a result, we don’t see people because we are so distracted by our attempt to cover up our true selves. We lack love. We lack acceptance.

Jesus not only healed, he held. His ministry is characterized by his exquisite ability to love people well; touching the leper, grasping him, healing him, and showing the world that he has value.

Are you allowing your fear of 'who you really are' to suffocate the potential God has purposely and intricately woven into you?

Be who you are. Stop posing, start loving.

2. Leadership starts and ends with glorifying God.  

Have you ever heard of Catalyst? After the 60 minute breakout session by Brad Lomenick, President of Catalyst, I had to investigate this leadership training and figure out how to get there! (Catalyst West coming to Irvine, CA April 2014 http://www.catalystwestcoast.com/post_event)

Building leaders in their 20s and 30s is different than the generation before us (I am 26, so that would be 40 year olds). We approach life as a portfolio of projects, a series of career tracks. We desire meaningful work, offering the potential for personal and professional growth.

“Act like you don't belong, but always work your guts out like you do,” Brad said as he explained the meaning of Hungry, Humble, Hustle. 

Get up early. Stay up late.

Be the hungry 2^nd, not the arrogant 1^st.

Volunteer for the tough assignments no one else wants.

And in all things, be the best. God’s glory is at stake!

3. Children and youth are not our future. We must invest and build leaders now.

Our kids go to children’s church from pre-k through elementary, graduate to middle school youth group, and eventually make it to high school youth group. They may hear cool messages, loud worship, and get their flirt on. But what happens when our children graduate high school and leave for college or vocational training?

Nothing.

A lot kids have not built a solid foundation as a Christ follower and leave the church. They have little buy in. They don’t know they can make a difference. What gives?

Why not give young people an opportunity to serve and grow as a leader? When a person is given a significant role, they will make a significant difference. When youth are entrusted with a position of leadership, not only do they step up to the challenge, but they also find value and importance in serving. They come to believe their contribution matters.

Perry Noble drove this point home: If we really want to reach the next generation, we have got to understand that they are not interested in our ability, but in our availability.

I cannot remember one message from my high school youth group years, but I do remember Hester, our youth pastor’s wife, going on a walk with me around our church campus and talking about life and, of course, boys. I remember being baptized with my mom and sister in the Newaukum River a few miles out of town. The youth in your church do not care how ‘churchy’ you sound or where you earned your theology degree. They want to be loved on, cared about and invested in. If we are following the most important command, love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind and love your neighbor as yourself (Matt 22:36-40), loving these kids will be…easy! 

***If you have considered attending the Orange Conference in Atlanta, I highly recommend prayerfully seeking God’s direction for your ministry and checking out the Orange Tour at http://orangetour.org/orangeconference/2013, coming to Seattle on September 17. ***

Pursuing Perfection No More

The 'pursuit of perfection' is a catchy phrase in which I have written several little blurbs and blog postings. Clearly, it is an area of struggle in my life and I thank God it is steadily becoming an area of transformation, redemption and victory. I have consistently struggled to look perfect, act perfect, be perfect.

Until recently, I did not fully understand why I so eagerly yearned to be perfect. Why was my driving force one of such self-centered destruction?

Just yesterday, I met my dad's cousin, Gary, for the first time as an adult. He is one anointed man of God. 'Blessed' does not even remotely describe or explain my day hanging out with Gary, touring downtown Atlanta, lunch with he and JohnMark, and visiting Brenda's third grade classroom. Meeting family in Georgia was so wonderful! Driving from destination to destination may not seem like a very impactful experience, but the presence of God was so clear; He used my distant relative to speak truth into my life. Truth that led to freedom from that pursuit of perfection.

"You don't have to earn God's approval."
"You're accepted."

I had heard those words several times. This time, those words sparked something deep in my heart. The lens in which I view myself dictates my interpretation of and reaction to the world around me.
My expectations for myself are seriously unattainable. I unfairly appraoch the world in the same manner. The more grace I receive from God, the more grace I can extend to others and even myself. Perfectoin is not the goal. Honoring and glorifying God is the goal.

I don't have to try. I don't have to be someone or something I'm not. I can come as I am, brokenness and all. Jesus is enough. He chose death to save me...the real me. And he did so for you.

Flashback to '08

I found myself reminiscing this morning. Reminiscing on good and tough times, fond and not-so-lovely memories, joys and blessings, victories and failures. In it all, was the reminder that through the grace of Christ, the refining of God Almighty, I am becoming a new person.

"Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, the new creation has come. The old has gone, the new is here!"
2 Corinthians 5:17

The Word of God is alive and true, penetrating the innermost places of my being (Hebrews 4:12).

Frequently, I forget just how lonely and desolate life was before I was following Jesus. I was absorbed in my own issues and selfishness. I could not trust or forgive. The pursuit of thinness consumed every thought and action. I just wanted to be beautiful and loved and cherished by someone. Anyone.

Below, is an excerpt from my journal. It is dated May 12, 2008, the day after I turned 21.

 "Rays of sun touch down on the ground, gently kissing the new greens of springtime and all is wonderfully still. I look out the window right now and am filled with a peace I have not felt in awhile. It's a peace I have not been quiet enough to hear or patient enough to wait for. 
I've been praying that Jesus would show me He is pursuing me, show me I am so beautiful to Him. I know that this morning is my morning, it's the day he has decided to romance me. I can see this by the millions of fresh dots of dew on the grass, glistening more radiantly than the finest diamond. And, still, our Lord thinks I am more beautiful. I feel so secure, so treasured, so wanted."

While reading this, I remembered the promise of Philippians 1:6, "And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ."

I am no longer that girl, the girl who so earnestly sought approval from everyone, the girl who could not see her beauty was in Christ. Today, I am thankful that I know I am His girl and my security is in The Lord.

"A man's steps are established by the Lord, and He takes pleasure in his way. Though he falls, he will not be overwhelmed, because the Lord holds his hand." 
Psalm 37:23-24 

Today, I praise God for the good work he has accomplished in me. I praise Him for his good story. And, today, I pray you see the glory of the Lord and come to know you are secure in and treasured by The Lord Almighty.

Grace and peace,
KC