Finding Contentment in Singleness

I admit it. I have lied. BIG, huge, bold-faced lies. I vividly remember explaining how amazing singleness is and how I would be fine with never getting married, how I would be ok with adopting as a single mom if that was what God called me to. The reality is quite different. I did not mean to lie. I was verbalizing what I thought I needed to believe if I was actually going to be content in my singleness.

Stop lying to yourself!

In my state of singleness-yet-wanting-to-be-married, I really just wanted God’s best, but was struggling with the tension of contentment in singleness and managing the desire to start my own family. I was running from the tension of my desires versus God’s best, wading through doubt that I would ever get married or get to be a mom. Looking back, I now understand why God was keeping me in a place of muddling and question. 

I learned to trust Him a little bit more and was reminded I am not the author of His story for my life. That state of muddle brought a renewed contentment to muddling itself. I am embracing the tension between fully living in the present, yet dreaming of and working toward the future. I refuse to be so caught up in the future that I miss out on today. But, I will also not compromise future chapters of this beautiful life by stagnantly walking through the weeks as if this is all there is. The muddling is where I put words to the life I envision myself living, the qualities in which I am looking for in a life partner, what is a non-negotiable and what is me being hypercritical.

Many married people have so graciously offered their un-asked-for advice, telling me to stay single as long as possible. Thanks guys. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul tells us it is better to remain single (like himself) than to marry. I would have to agree that as a single person, I am more able to submerse myself in vocational ministry without the distraction of family or needing to intentionally make time for a spouse and kids. But, Paul also denotes singleness as a gift. Do we all have the same gifting?

The original text uses the word charisma, meaning “grace or gifts denoting extraordinary powers, distinguishing certain Christians and enabling them to serve the church of Christ, the reception of which is due to the power of divine grace operating on their souls by the Holy Spirit.”

This same word is seen in Romans 1:11, “For I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord.”

I have come this conclusion:

It is a gift, not an identity.

Singleness is a gift. It is good. For some it is a lifelong gifting and for others merely for a season. Singleness allows the individual more focused attention on serving the church (i.e. God’s people). I should be thankful for and value this season of my life rather than running from it. And, someday, when I am married, I am not going to give that same “stay single” advice I received as a single person.

Understand this. In no way am I claiming to know the secret of contentment or that I am prepared for marriage. Who is?! What I am prepared for is to accept tension and this season of singleness. I will be tempted to look at the grass on the other side of the fence, but I will not obsess with it. I will probably go through another low place of questioning God and his plan for my life. I can guarantee I will continue to rejoice in my friends’ new relationships, engagements, weddings and kids and stomp out that little voice giving me permission to pout and have a pity party.

Singleness is good. Marriage is good. Both are challenging to different degrees. The key is to lean into the tension, trust God and live well.