Sure Ways to Know He’s Just Not That Into You…From Personal Experience

   

1.    Your call randomly drops after one ring because he has blocked your number (ouch!)

2.    At the end of your date, he claims he is so tired and needs to take a nap, leaving you to walk yourself out

3.    He never calls or texts after the first date

4.    You have repeat conversations. For some reason he cannot remember anything you’ve talked about

5.    He leads you on for two months, talking almost every day, but never initiates seeing you again

6.    He claims he needs to pray about if he should come visit

7.    He texts that he needs space

8.    He declares he needs a sexual relationship while dating and since you are in vocational ministry, you are probably not a good match for each other (duh!)

9.    On a first date he very creepily tells you that you are so beautiful and then reaches for your butt

10. He talks about himself and knows nothing about you

11. He asks if your friend is single

12. He finds out where your friend works and leaves flowers for her at the front desk, of course, after learning these details from you

13. He calls you “sis”

14. He assures you that you’ll meet Mr. Right soon enough (because it’s not him!)

15. He gets mad that you did not answer your phone one time and never texts or calls you back after you respond only 2 hours later

16. On a first date, he compliments your “breeding hips”

17. He makes sure you will be ok with raising and homeschooling the 8 children he plans on having and wants to know what “submissive” means to you

18. He tells you that you’re outspoken when you share a simple opinion

19. He interviews you on the first two dates and never calls again

20. He claims to be so thankful to have you as a friend 

Friend zone

 

If you have thought this, you might be crazy.

Finding Contentment in Singleness

I admit it. I have lied. BIG, huge, bold-faced lies. I vividly remember explaining how amazing singleness is and how I would be fine with never getting married, how I would be ok with adopting as a single mom if that was what God called me to. The reality is quite different. I did not mean to lie. I was verbalizing what I thought I needed to believe if I was actually going to be content in my singleness.

Stop lying to yourself!

In my state of singleness-yet-wanting-to-be-married, I really just wanted God’s best, but was struggling with the tension of contentment in singleness and managing the desire to start my own family. I was running from the tension of my desires versus God’s best, wading through doubt that I would ever get married or get to be a mom. Looking back, I now understand why God was keeping me in a place of muddling and question. 

I learned to trust Him a little bit more and was reminded I am not the author of His story for my life. That state of muddle brought a renewed contentment to muddling itself. I am embracing the tension between fully living in the present, yet dreaming of and working toward the future. I refuse to be so caught up in the future that I miss out on today. But, I will also not compromise future chapters of this beautiful life by stagnantly walking through the weeks as if this is all there is. The muddling is where I put words to the life I envision myself living, the qualities in which I am looking for in a life partner, what is a non-negotiable and what is me being hypercritical.

Many married people have so graciously offered their un-asked-for advice, telling me to stay single as long as possible. Thanks guys. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul tells us it is better to remain single (like himself) than to marry. I would have to agree that as a single person, I am more able to submerse myself in vocational ministry without the distraction of family or needing to intentionally make time for a spouse and kids. But, Paul also denotes singleness as a gift. Do we all have the same gifting?

The original text uses the word charisma, meaning “grace or gifts denoting extraordinary powers, distinguishing certain Christians and enabling them to serve the church of Christ, the reception of which is due to the power of divine grace operating on their souls by the Holy Spirit.”

This same word is seen in Romans 1:11, “For I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord.”

I have come this conclusion:

It is a gift, not an identity.

Singleness is a gift. It is good. For some it is a lifelong gifting and for others merely for a season. Singleness allows the individual more focused attention on serving the church (i.e. God’s people). I should be thankful for and value this season of my life rather than running from it. And, someday, when I am married, I am not going to give that same “stay single” advice I received as a single person.

Understand this. In no way am I claiming to know the secret of contentment or that I am prepared for marriage. Who is?! What I am prepared for is to accept tension and this season of singleness. I will be tempted to look at the grass on the other side of the fence, but I will not obsess with it. I will probably go through another low place of questioning God and his plan for my life. I can guarantee I will continue to rejoice in my friends’ new relationships, engagements, weddings and kids and stomp out that little voice giving me permission to pout and have a pity party.

Singleness is good. Marriage is good. Both are challenging to different degrees. The key is to lean into the tension, trust God and live well.