Strive for Greatness

"There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won't feel insecure around you."

-Marianne Williamson

The entire paradigm is ridiculously preposterous. The objective is "success," but when a person devotes oneself to mastering a trade, finishing a degree, or crushing a goal, they, often times, experience cynical criticism and verbal put-downs. 

Jealously. Envy. Intolerance. 

Even the words sound ugly. I am disappointed at the reality that many people are unable to celebrate another's success. My dear, do not shrink at their skepticism, grudging glares, and mistrusting malice. 

Marianne Williamson writes, "We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It's not just in some of us; it's in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same." 

The beauty is found in letting our lights shine. Strive for greatness. Never settle for mediocrity. Walk in faith. Their negativity is not personal, it is a byproduct of their own pain. Love them anyway.

Until next time, life fully, love wholly, rejoice daily.

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A Glimpse in the Life of a Bulimic

I distinctly remember the physician informing me that I would forever struggle with food and probably never recover from bulimia.
"What the hell am I doing here, then?" I thought to myself as my last glimmer of hope slipped through my clinched fists.

Severe depression accompanies eating disorders. I am unsure which is worse, the lack of ambition and torment of suicidal ideation or the over-consuming obsession with an unattainable level of perfection accompanied by an unshakable fear of being vulnerable and known.

Below is a snippet of my experience while struggling with bulimia.

Behind the smile, I am a little girl who was unwanted.
Beneath the talent, I am striving yet insecure.
Beyond the outfits and accessories, I am bare and ashamed.

Behind the witty jokes, I yearn for acceptance.
Beneath the accomplishments, I am empty.
Beyond the façade, I run from love.

For fear entangles my every thought.
Stepping into the unknown.
Crumbling.
Breaking.
Broken.

Trapped.

 

 *Please note that I HAVE recovered. I give God the praise and credit for this journey and triumph over the eating disorder! ALL GLORY TO HIM!
If, in her old age, Sarah, Abram's wife, can become pregnant (Genesis 21) and a woman who had been bleeding for 12 years can be healed (Luke 8) and water can be turned to fine wine at the wedding in Cana (John 2) and Jesus can tell a crippled man to get up and walk (Matthew 9), then God can definitely heal his people from eating disorders! 

I do still struggle from time to time with body image and food, but God has given me HIS wisdom, strength and perseverance to charge on and continue to do the hard work of recovery.

If you know someone who may be suffering from depression, a clinical eating disorder or disordered eating, reach out and continue to be a supportive friend. It is a long battle to healing. If you are in the midst of the war between body and mind, may my story be encouraging. You can overcome, too.

Waxed Pits and Why Women Endure Painful Beauty Treatments

I thought it would be funny to video myself while getting my underarms waxed. I envisioned myself yelling something hilarious like, "Ahhhhh, Kelly Clarkston!" like Steve Carell in "40 Year Old Virgin" while he screams profanities and hair is violently ripped off his chest.

It was not as funny as I had anticipated. It hurt. A lot.

This afternoon, as I have gone about my day out of the office, I made a decision to stop all I was doing and start a conversation. Ladies, why do we partake in such painful experiences all in pursuance of an objective opinion of outward beauty? 

My opinion?
For the sake of femininity.

As I begrudgingly grew out my armpit hair to the necessary quarter inch, the more my underarm resembled a young man's facial hair. Not cool.

As the scruffiness turned into full blown Sasquatch, I counted down the hours until my appointment to wax that crap off as I hoped the ripping sensation and blunt armpit trauma would be worth the excruciating pain and potential hospitalization. I have been told once or twice that I exaggerate. I beg to differ.

Even just a quarter inch of underarm hair felt masculine and gross. It was not soft and delicate and lovely, words that describe the femininity of women. One thing I love about being a woman is feeling graceful, delicate and beautiful. It's a girl thing! And one quarter inch underarm hair robbed me from the feeling of delicacy.

Was it worth the pain?
Heck YES! I will have baby-butt-soft underarms for at least a week, maybe more, and the smoothness brought me right back to that feeling of womanhood and femininity I was missing.

So, decide for yourself if it's worth the pain. Relax. Partaking in beauty/womanliness enhancing upkeep is okay. I hope you delight in your feminine frilly-ness. Enjoy your makeup, lotions and potions. If it's for you...and you alone.

Feeling beautiful is a gift.

Sure Ways to Know He’s Just Not That Into You…From Personal Experience

   

1.    Your call randomly drops after one ring because he has blocked your number (ouch!)

2.    At the end of your date, he claims he is so tired and needs to take a nap, leaving you to walk yourself out

3.    He never calls or texts after the first date

4.    You have repeat conversations. For some reason he cannot remember anything you’ve talked about

5.    He leads you on for two months, talking almost every day, but never initiates seeing you again

6.    He claims he needs to pray about if he should come visit

7.    He texts that he needs space

8.    He declares he needs a sexual relationship while dating and since you are in vocational ministry, you are probably not a good match for each other (duh!)

9.    On a first date he very creepily tells you that you are so beautiful and then reaches for your butt

10. He talks about himself and knows nothing about you

11. He asks if your friend is single

12. He finds out where your friend works and leaves flowers for her at the front desk, of course, after learning these details from you

13. He calls you “sis”

14. He assures you that you’ll meet Mr. Right soon enough (because it’s not him!)

15. He gets mad that you did not answer your phone one time and never texts or calls you back after you respond only 2 hours later

16. On a first date, he compliments your “breeding hips”

17. He makes sure you will be ok with raising and homeschooling the 8 children he plans on having and wants to know what “submissive” means to you

18. He tells you that you’re outspoken when you share a simple opinion

19. He interviews you on the first two dates and never calls again

20. He claims to be so thankful to have you as a friend 

Friend zone

 

If you have thought this, you might be crazy.

Finding Contentment in Singleness

I admit it. I have lied. BIG, huge, bold-faced lies. I vividly remember explaining how amazing singleness is and how I would be fine with never getting married, how I would be ok with adopting as a single mom if that was what God called me to. The reality is quite different. I did not mean to lie. I was verbalizing what I thought I needed to believe if I was actually going to be content in my singleness.

Stop lying to yourself!

In my state of singleness-yet-wanting-to-be-married, I really just wanted God’s best, but was struggling with the tension of contentment in singleness and managing the desire to start my own family. I was running from the tension of my desires versus God’s best, wading through doubt that I would ever get married or get to be a mom. Looking back, I now understand why God was keeping me in a place of muddling and question. 

I learned to trust Him a little bit more and was reminded I am not the author of His story for my life. That state of muddle brought a renewed contentment to muddling itself. I am embracing the tension between fully living in the present, yet dreaming of and working toward the future. I refuse to be so caught up in the future that I miss out on today. But, I will also not compromise future chapters of this beautiful life by stagnantly walking through the weeks as if this is all there is. The muddling is where I put words to the life I envision myself living, the qualities in which I am looking for in a life partner, what is a non-negotiable and what is me being hypercritical.

Many married people have so graciously offered their un-asked-for advice, telling me to stay single as long as possible. Thanks guys. Yes, in 1 Corinthians 7 Paul tells us it is better to remain single (like himself) than to marry. I would have to agree that as a single person, I am more able to submerse myself in vocational ministry without the distraction of family or needing to intentionally make time for a spouse and kids. But, Paul also denotes singleness as a gift. Do we all have the same gifting?

The original text uses the word charisma, meaning “grace or gifts denoting extraordinary powers, distinguishing certain Christians and enabling them to serve the church of Christ, the reception of which is due to the power of divine grace operating on their souls by the Holy Spirit.”

This same word is seen in Romans 1:11, “For I long to visit you so I can bring you some spiritual gift that will help you grow strong in the Lord.”

I have come this conclusion:

It is a gift, not an identity.

Singleness is a gift. It is good. For some it is a lifelong gifting and for others merely for a season. Singleness allows the individual more focused attention on serving the church (i.e. God’s people). I should be thankful for and value this season of my life rather than running from it. And, someday, when I am married, I am not going to give that same “stay single” advice I received as a single person.

Understand this. In no way am I claiming to know the secret of contentment or that I am prepared for marriage. Who is?! What I am prepared for is to accept tension and this season of singleness. I will be tempted to look at the grass on the other side of the fence, but I will not obsess with it. I will probably go through another low place of questioning God and his plan for my life. I can guarantee I will continue to rejoice in my friends’ new relationships, engagements, weddings and kids and stomp out that little voice giving me permission to pout and have a pity party.

Singleness is good. Marriage is good. Both are challenging to different degrees. The key is to lean into the tension, trust God and live well.

Call the doctor, something must be wrong! She loves Jesus but she is still SINGLE!

This is the first of four of "Lessons I've Learned During Singleness." 

I guess if you gotta be single, might as well write about it ;)

Not long ago, while introducing myself to a few older-than-me, wiser-than-me, married Christians, I was asked, “Why are you still single?”

Her face almost grimaced, as if it was absolutely incomprehensible that at my ripe, old age of 26 I would dare to not even be in a serious, committed dating relationship.

Good question, moron. 

Then was reminded that the individual probably wasn’t a moron, God loves her too, but she asked a very stupid question. By the way, anyone who says there are no stupid questions is wrong. Asking a 26-year-old, passionate, God-loving, Jesus-following children’s pastor why she is still single is a stupid question.

While most of my friends are either in serious relationships progressing toward wedding bells, have just tied the knot or are married and cookin’ up baby number three, I am single. While my innermost self demands the hustle and bustle of city life, I live in a small farming community in Idaho, a seven hour drive from my family through rolling hills of golden wheat and spotty, at best, cell service. While I, too, desire a family and to maybe even be a stay-at-home mommy, I will remind you I am single and definitely not called to adopt as a single parent.

At times, I have outright questioned God. “Why did you make me the way you did and put me where you did?!”

His response is always concise and clear. Preparation, My Daughter. 

Man, I love how much God loves me. Even when I question Him, yes, the Creator of the Universe, He clearly gives me an answer that will shut me up and accept His good story in His perfect time. Throughout this journey of singleness, I have come to a freedom-giving conclusion.

SINGLENESS IS NOT A DISEASE AND OTHERS' EXPECTATIONS FOR MY LIFE MEAN JACK.

I’m not ill. There is nothing wrong with me. I haven’t screwed up so much that God is determined to protect every man from the mess of my past and confusion of my present. I believe it is somewhat of the opposite, actually.

• I am available to babysit for my close friends when they need time away with their husbands
• My teeny, cute apartment is quick to clean and just enough
• God has blessed me with a place to have girls over to just connect and hang out
• I have solitude to hear God and more time to learn who Jesus is and who that makes me before entering a serious, long-term relationship
• I don’t have to cook dinner if I don’t feel like it
• Laundry day means cleaning two loads
• Riding my bike to the office is doable (and enjoyable) because I have no kids to shuffle around or errands to run after work
• Planning for holidays is far less dynamic
• My mommy friends show me what parenting is really going to be like…reality check
• And a whole lot more

 

Someday, I will probably look back and wish I had a 478 square foot, quiet, clean apartment and then I will remember I did at one point and I am thankful I enjoyed the blessing for that time. But in the meantime, I am going to trust God has already written a good story and I just don't know what the next chapter is going to unveil. I trust Him. Completely.

I leave you with this:

1. Please do not be the moron who questions single adults as to why they are single. They do not know either. And your question can come off as a put down.

2. If you are single, enjoy it. Do something only single people can do like write a book in quietness, go grocery shopping without kids in the cart, take an impromptu trip wherever you want, and definitely leave dirty dishes in the sink for a week if you’re busy or don’t feel like doing dishes. Invest in the younger generation. Consider your community. Serve in your church. Live a fulfilling, single life.

3. Single people, don’t turn into that moron who asks singles why they are still single. Remember you used to think that was a stupid question.

Letter from the King to His Daughter

From the beginning of time, I knew you.
I created man from my essence.
But I knew he would need a helper.
I fashioned you together to be just that.
You inspire the world to be more beautiful.
With your smile, you offer assurance.
With your embrace, acceptance.
Your presence lights up any room.
I made you to shine.
You are my girl.
Please do not cower behind socially acceptable facades.
I see through the mask.
I have called you to holiness.
My holiness.
Beautiful daughter, know you are always enough.
Never too much.
You are not a burden, but a joy.
You bless those around you.
Be still in my presence.
Allow me to show you the value and worth in which I created you.
Stop trying so hard.
You are more than okay.
You are My delight, My gem, My girl.
I call you my own and with you I am well pleased.
You are my chosen one. A royal priesthood. My special possession.
Nothing you ever do will change my unending love for you.
As you walk in My freedom, you inspire change.
Be transparent.
Be vulnerable.
The world needs to see me through you.
Walk boldly, daughter.