Are You Your Own Hardest Critic?

Raise your hand if you are hard on yourself. Now, raise your other hand if you have ever looked at yourself in the mirror and thought something negative.

Ugly. Fat. Wrinkly. Tired. Skinny. Curvy. Flat. Boring. Plain. Too much. Not enough. Etc.

If I was not typing right now, I would have both hands raised high. Really high. In fact, I would probably have to stand on the chair in which I'm seated and reach to the ceiling to properly represent the intensity in which I am guilty of being hard on myself and reacting with critical negativity.

I would consider criticalness one of my weaknesses. I am hardest on myself. Don't worry, if you are one of my friends or family members, I probably adore you and loathe myself. (Ew. This is hard to admit.) But, I forget I'm a daughter of the King, that I was made on purpose for a purpose, that I have meaning and value. (If you forgot, you do too! We gotta start believing this, sister!)

You see, I know the ugly thoughts I entertain. I know when I am being honest and when I'm exaggerating. I know when I'm being authentic and when I'm holding back. I am the only one, aside from God, who knows the real me. You're kidding yourself if you think you are completely authentic 100% of the time. We just don't do it. It's scary. It's hard. Putting the best foot forward is socially acceptable, even if it's anti-authentic and shallow. But it robs us of true, life-giving self-acceptance.


It becomes a game of sorts. Somewhat faking. Dodging those who poke and prod and want to know the real me. I'm guilty of wearing a mask because if anyone did know the real me, they wouldn't love me. (I understand that isn't the real truth, but sometimes it is what I allow myself to believe.)

So, I hide behind a mask, refusing to be known, though my biggest need is to be known. I let the fear of imperfection prevent me from living boldly. I often reference Brené Brown when I write. She is amazing. A real inspiration. More authentic. More vulnerable. Because a brave, authentic, vulnerable life is the fullest life.

Brené Brown says, "Imperfections are not inadequacies; they are reminders that we're all in this together."

Do you believe it? Do you believe we are all in this together. Today I believe it. Sometimes I don't. And I need the grace of God to draw me back to the togetherness boat. Here are a few ways I am learning to take off the mask, be real, stop being so dang critical of myself, and believe we are in this together:

1. Say something positive. And say it out loud. 

I have a list of really positive, good things that is push-pinned into the wall, at eye-level, as I exit my bedroom. Most days, I glance at the list on my way out and read one aloud. I may not fully believe whatever good and positive thing I have just stated, but the more I do say it, the more the truth gets engrained in my heart. Getting something from head to heart is the tricky part, my lovely friend. 

Internal lies do not stand a chance against verbal truths. Imagine if you spoke all the negative things you think. The other day, my counselor gave me an activity to do during my session. I had to write out all my good characteristics (talents don't count) and then I had to write out all the negative emotions and feelings I've ever experienced. The negatives were really hard to write as I realized I believe some very sad things that I hadn't really identified before. They included things like: I'm alone. I'm not good enough. I'm overwhelming to others. 

As I identified the negatives, they lost their power. Especially when I spoke them out loud as speaking them after speaking the truth, was like night and day. It was obvious what was true and what was not.

Here's a link to what I have posted in my room that helps me tons! 

2. Be real. Even when it's embarrassing or tough. 

Writing may not be your outlet like it is mine. But, disclosing what I'm presently working on and then posting it to this blog and linking it to social media is one way I am challenged to be real and vulnerable. Though I know other women's experiences are similar to mine, it's always sort of awkward to let others into my inner places. For me, exposing my flaws and revealing imperfections is a great challenge. But, it's a way my perfectionism is broken and I start to love myself better. When I'm real, I allow myself to be human. To learn to be authentic, I've had to get thicker skin and stop caring about what anyone thinks. Especially those who are not brave enough to learn to be real, too.  

3. Give thanks. 

Pumpkins spice lattes are back at Starbucks. As is the "Give Thanks" decor at Hobby Lobby. But, I mean, really give thanks. Be intentionally thankful. Practice gratitude. Give praise. 

I struggle with body image. When I catch myself being critical of myself, I try to turn my negative thoughts to praises of thankfulness.

Lord, thank you for an able body. For four appendages. For a great facility to get to workout in. For a beach to run on. For healing from past injuries.

A prayer of gratitude always does it. Thankfulness gives me a better perspective. I can no longer criticize my body when I'm thanking God for a healthy one. 

Make a list of your positive characteristics of your inner most person (remember talents don't count). Strive to be authentic. You don't have to start a blog, but practice being real with the people in your life. And give thanks. Be thankful always. As we remember we are on this journey together, we can enter the arena, bring our best game, and come out a little more brave. A little more healed. A little more whole. 

Live fully, love wholly, rejoice daily, 

Kels

xoxo

The Truth of Your Existence

I have to admit.

I am so hard on myself. If I were to track the negative thoughts that run through my head, you (and I) would, most likely, be appalled. It seems ironic that I help women better their relationships with their bodies when I seriously struggle with accepting myself.

But, I do believe this is exactly where I am supposed to be...on this journey with you. No almighty been-there-done-that-and-overcome-body-image-issues-and-know-how-to-love-myself attitude coming from me. Nope, just raw, vulnerable "I feel you, sister." 

Today, James (the most amazing man in the world who just so happens to be my boyfriend) gave me one request.

"I have one request for you. I just ask for the rest of the week, you practice giving yourself grace. You so need it!...I just ask you to do one thing for me until Sunday and just practice giving yourself grace...I know you can do it, babe! You are loved and valued!" 

He really loves me. It is through situations such as these that I come to know this man wants the very best for me. And the very best right now is for me to learn to love me, value me, and accept me.

So, I was inspired to write a little something to express myself. In my head, I know the truth. I pray I (and you!) come to know Truth in our hearts.

True Beauty's Quintessence

By Kelsey Clevenger

When you look into the mirror,
What do you see?
Something horrific, tragic,
Someone disastrously ugly.

When you look into the mirror,
What comes to mind?
Unlovable, unworthy, 
Unfavorable, unkind.

Darling, my dear,
Do you know who you are?
Your Maker, your Father
Is not too far.

He hand-knit your soul,
Crafted your being.
He loves you and
Rejoices over you with singing.

I pray you come to know
The Truth of your existence.
With purpose and passion
God pursues you with persistence.

You are His gem,
His precious girl.
More valuable than the
Most most perfect of pearls.

Glistening, sparkling,
You are God's delight.
Sweet darling, please believe
You are perfect in His sight.

Stop feeding yourself lies,
Make the voices halt.
No more negativity,
Make positive your default.

For the words you speak
Become your essence,
When God actually calls you
True beauty's quintessence.

Sweet girl, lovely one
You have so much potential.
And loving who you are
Is so very essential.

If you're anything like me, and the truth of who you really are and your real value has been masked by societal pressures and downright lies, may you find peace today in knowing you're super awesome. You're made to do awesome things. And there is an awesome God who's got your back.

Live fully, love wholly, rejoice daily,
KC
xoxo

Vivacious Living: Turning Away from the Problematic Distractions and Pursuing Life Boldly

I recently updated the layout, background, and template of my blog. It was not an intentionally planned change, but it happened. And it made me smile. The new layout is bright, cheery, and easily navigated. If you'd visited my blog in the past, it was fine...but just not easy to read or inviting, for that matter.

I started my blog as individualistic expression. I had been in outpatient treatment for an eating disorder while a student at Washington State University and working part time and I just needed a blank canvas for my thoughts, ideas, and worries. The more transparent I was about the inner battle I daily fought, the less power it had over me. Since, the blog is still a canvas for thoughts, ideas, and, even worries (See a past post titled, I Fear Being the Fat Trainer.)

The direction for my blog has changed. Originally, I was on a quest to help all women truly believe they were beautiful. I thought if we all knew we were lovely and beautiful we would be healed of our issues and be more confident. Since, I've learned that beauty is not what makes the world go round. (Who would have thought?!) Believing I'm beautiful does not elevate my confidence or spark a fire in my bones to make the world a better place. Believing I'm beautiful does not make me interesting, alluring, a better mentor, or a better person. It doesn't make me more skilled at my trade or more zealous to help those in need.

Believing I'm beautiful ended up becoming a band-aid covering a festering wound. I gave my allegiance to superficiality and objectivity. An "ugly day" totally threw off my mojo and sent me into depression. Maybe you can relate.

Vivacious, bold, radical living had to become my new pursuit if I was going to continue to win the battle over the eating disorder and other mental health related issues. What characterizes a vivacious, bold, radical woman?

Vivacious, bold, radical 

living had to become my new pursuit

A vivaciously bold, radically living woman is:
Funny- she has a sense of humor and she is secure enough to laugh at herself.

Respectable- she knows her body is hers and for her husband (or future husband). She does not gossip. She does not seek attention.

Generous- she uses her God-given resources to better the lives of others. Her time is not her own. She gives back to her community without blowing up her social media accounts to brag about her good deeds.

Focused- she has goals. But more importantly, she dreams. And then she pursues those dreams. She is focused on the here and now, living every day to its fullest, but she is focused on the future and makes choices to positively impact her future.

Thoughtful- she does her best to remember friends' birthdays, give words of encouragement, and think of others first. She genuinely wants the best for all people, even those who have wronged her.

Confident- she may be called weird or strange. She may be odd. But, she is living out who her Creator made her to be and she legitimately does not care what you think. Sorry, not sorry. She walks in freedom knowing she was made very good by a very good God (check out Genesis 1:1-31).

Open-minded- she is willing to learn from others and, even, change her perspective based on others' influence. She avoids religiosity and close-minded prejudices. She stands for what she believes, but loves all people, regardless of their choices.

Your focus may not be body image, beauty, or food issues. It may be a whole plethora of problematic distractions that inhibit you from vivacious living. But do not let it steal your joy. Do not let it become your god. Establish what are the non-negotiables in your life and pursue those with purpose and passion.

Live wholly, love fully, rejoice daily.
Kels
xoxo

From Chronic Dieting to Vibrant Living: How Randie Quit the Yo-Yo Diets and Changed her Life Forever

Meet Randie. She is one of my adored clients. She arrives to her 6 am workouts ready to kick butt! Randie is a go-getter. She has been on quite the journey. Read her story here. May it inspire and encourage you as well...
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Randie, right, in December 2014

My journey started at birth, 55 years ago.  After all, what is life but a journey?  I tried many diets over the years- some of them more than once. As I reflect, trying to write this, I believe that I wasn’t successful (I hate the word failure) because although I wanted to lose weight, I didn’t believe that I deserved to be thin and happy.

I didn't believe that I deserved to be thin and happy.  

There are so many “old tapes” I used to play in my head. Things I was told, things I read, things that I saw, etc. The truth of the matter is this….I can’t change the past, and I am not the same person I was when I was 5, 25 or even 50.  I am who I am right now, this minute.  

I knew many years ago that I didn’t want to have a bunch of pill bottles lined up on the kitchen counter as I got older. I just didn’t want that to be part of my future. I saw my grandparents live that way and now I was witnessing my parents following in the same footsteps. My parents are both at least 15 years older physically, than they are chronologically. It scares the hell out of me.

It scares the hell out of me.


I know that so many of their health problems could have been avoided if they had made better choices when they were younger. I believe that there are so many things beyond our control that can kill us. Why wouldn’t I want to take control of the things I can? I am NOT getting any younger, so it was time! It was time to take control and make changes in my life. I do not want to live forever. I just want to feel as good as I can for as long as I can!

In December, 2014 I heard about a new diet plan while having coffee with a friend. I did some research and decided to try it. I am not going to share it at this time because it is not a cure all. Many of my co-workers, friends and family have also tried this food plan after seeing my weight loss.  Some have lost weight and others have not. It makes me feel bad because I know that, yet again, they feel like they "failed.” I really believe, from the bottom of my soul, that my motivation to really do it this time came from a totally different place. I was scared of my future. How many pills would I need to regulate blood pressure, cholesterol, depression, reflux, pain in my joints, diabetes…? The list can go on and on. 

Well, the weight started coming off. I was losing two to three pounds each week. Not the 0.4 or 0.6 I had lost during my last round with dieting. Each and every week I lost weight. The most I lost in one week was four pounds and the least I lost was one. I am happy to share that to date I have about 65 pounds.

Sometime in June, 2015, I heard about FytGurlz. Not once, or twice, but three times in ONE day!  I looked up and said "O.K.  I get it! I will look into FytGurlz today!” I filled out the information slip online and the very next day I was contacted. What I immediately liked was that I was given the opportunity to try each and every class offered one time free of charge. I was blown away! That told me they had a great product to offer and they knew if people came, they would love all that FytGurlz offers! 

When I was contacted, I explained that I was interested in someone who could help me re-hab my knees. I have had knee pain in one or both of my knees for about 5 years. Yes, I have been to the doctor and physical therapist. Nothing helped. I was told that Kelsey was the girl for me. When we met, I was feeling a little anxious. I was afraid of failing by not following through. But I knew the only thing holding me back was me.

But I knew the only thing holding me back was me.

I met with Kelsey and we hit it off right away. All of my anxiety went away. I believed she could help me help myself. She told me that her passion is to help the body function the way it was meant to function.  She has so much energy, knowledge and passion…it is contagious!

Randie in September 2015

I started off with personal training sessions with Kelsey in July. We met once each week. In addition, she created a personalized plan for me to do at home. After the first two weeks, I was feeling stronger-- emotionally and physically. She created each workout to help my body function to the best of its ability. After two months, Kelsey encouraged me to switch to the small group fitness classes.  This would provide the opportunity to meet twice as often for less money than I was presently investing in myself. Really? Get more and pay less? Who does that?! 

I was a bit reluctant for many reasons. I was afraid I couldn’t keep up with the others. I was also afraid to make the commitment. I was afraid I would let myself down. Don’t get me wrong….I have been exercising doing Jazzercise for over 4 years now. I just knew that this would be different than anything I had ever done before. Kelsey assured me that I was ready. She had as much faith in me as I do in her! What an amazing feeling! She wanted the same things for me that I want for myself...HEALTH!

And so, here it is, October 2015. I LOVE going to the small group “No Excuses” fitness class two times each week. I have had absolutely no issues keeping up with the other ladies, even though I am twice their age! At every session Kelsey asks about my knees and reminds me to let her know if I need any modifications. Kelsey has gone above and beyond. She is so easy to talk to and she encourages me with praise and, every now and then, she takes my picture. She has helped me see, literally see how fit and strong I am becoming.

I still want to lose some more weight, but this time it is not about what size I wear or how much I weigh. This time it is about how I feel!

This time it is about how I feel!

It is easy to fall back on old patterns and criticize myself for this or that, but I am trying to treat myself like I would treat my best friend if she were on this journey. I would treat her with love, understanding, encouragement and praise. I don’t know where my journey called life will take me, but I do know this: You are NEVER too old and it is NEVER too late to reinvent yourself!
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Live wholly, love fully, rejoice daily.
Kelsey
xoxo

Perimenopause: Aging with Grace and Loving Your Body

Meet Jenn O'Connor. Retired Navy wife and mother, CrossFitter, runner, homemaker, friend. Jenn is a dear friend from our gym, CrossFit Takeover in Virginia Beach. I remember meeting at the pull-up rig. She has a super infectious personality. Over the past few months, this amazing women has blessed me with her wisdom and advice. She is the epitome of grace. She's definitely one of those positive role model people that every girl needs.

Several weeks ago, I had asked some ladies if they would be willing and interested in being a guest author on my blog. I know so many incredible women who have a ton to share and offer, so why not highlight them on here?! Below is Jenn's post. She is raw and truthful. Entertaining to read. I hope you enjoy this as much as I have.

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Entering Menopause
By Jennifer O'Connor

“That girl is on fire” by Alicia Keys comes to my mind as I am now entering into that time of life known as perimenopause. I have many friends at all different stages of life but the ones that stand out to me at this point are the ones that are literally on fire; as in hot flashes.

Have you seen this? It’s quite a thing to watch. But also, this time of life (I have decided) should also be a different type of internal fire; a rebirth of sorts. So instead of being afraid as I get closer and closer, I have decided to embrace these impending changes (fire and all).

A female spends approximately 35 years prepping for reproduction, engaged in reproduction, and nurturing her offspring. Have a career? Yup, that fits in too. BUT, make no mistake about it….the woman still does the lion’s share of household work, including but not limited to cleaning, meal prep, homework help, chauffeur, laundry, and then of course a lover. So for a while it seems we remain pretty much in last place on our “to do “ list.

The neat thing about this is that between the ages of 20-45, we are hormonally pre-wired to do such things. It’s actually pretty cool. But then it happens….kids are grown, your spouse (if you are still together) is settled in a career and you find yourself feeling this odd sensation of freedom. Wow. Freedom. Now what? Here’s an idea: Feel that wave roll over you, don’t fight that rip tide, rather ride it out and see where it leads you.

So here are some items that I am grappling with and wish someone had shared with me a few years ago. It’s a quick list of things to do you might want keep in the back of your mind, depending where you are in your personal life:

1. Get right with God. Fix your spiritual life. Begin to pray and listen to what He has to say to you. Maybe join a church? Or return to your church. It’s a great place to make some very nice friends.

2. Free yourself from guilt. It’s dragging you down (adds weight). This is kind of part B of getting right with God.

3. Stop smoking. No more. It’s gross.

4. Get your nutritional house in order. No more soda. Avoid sugar. It’s not that hard. Processed food is bad for you.

5. Love your body. I bet it’s a lot more beautiful than you think. Exercise.

These are some things that should be addressed as you enter perimenopause. This occurs at different ages. God has designed women as the most amazing creatures on this planet. We are born with everything we need to conceive, deliver, feed and raise other humans. Let that sink in. Then, when we are no longer needed for reproduction, our bodies are already equipped hormonally with what we need to help protect our heart and bones. Yes, you read that right. Your doctor may try to convince you other wise. Why are we being lectured to about menopause as if it is a type of disease to be cured?

Exercise. There, I said it again. You have to exercise. There’s no way around it. It must be part of your weekly routine. Enter CrossFit. I joined a CrossFit gym last October. I have yet to experience any other fitness program that meets my needs and expectations like this. And I doubt I ever will.
I’ve made amazing gains physically and I have met the most fantastic people. The coaching is superior. The classes are a blast. The camaraderie is unrivaled. You won’t find a community like this anywhere. Do I compare myself to other athletes? Yes, but that’s my problem. It’s easy to say CrossFit isn’t for everyone but ANYONE can do it.

So here I am, a 47 year old female, married mother of two grown children. My kids are smart and kind, so I think we did a decent job. I supported my spouse as best as I could in his 23 year Navy career, including 11 moves and 6 years spent in Europe including a one year tour in Iraq and 3 deployments to Afghanistan. Now he is happily settled in his 2nd career and I find myself on the cusp of some serious changes. I am ready to accept any and all physical, spiritual, and personal changes that are coming my way. Bring it on, Mother Nature.

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Jenn is authentic and real. I love it! Please leave comments below if you relate or found this to provoke something inside of you.

Let's celebrate being women today!

Live fully, love wholly, rejoice daily.
KC
xoxo

Youth Sexualization and the Media

As 8-year-old Britney, a California beauty pageant competitor, awaits her Botox injection, her mind is fixated on eliminating wrinkles. Last week, on Good Morning America, Britney admitted that she thinks wrinkles are not nice on little girls, (ABCNews.com). Britney’s mother, Kerry, administers the Botox injections in the pursuit of triumph over the other done-up little ones. The goal? Bring home the crown.

Jayne Bennington, a British fame-seeking mother, ensures her 11 year-old daughter, Sasha, is beautified with fake tanning, hair extensions and pedicures. She laughed when Sasha told interviewers her opinion of herself, “Blonde, pretty, dumb – I don’t need brains,” (Mail Online).

The sexualization of young girls is prevalent in the media culture. The American Psychological Association (APA) uncovered sexualization of women in nearly every media form studied including video games, sports media and music lyrics. The negative consequences affect girls’ mental and cognitive wellbeing, emotional and physical health, attitudes and beliefs, and sexuality, APA.



Girls are wearing more provocative clothing, developing eating disorders and engaging in acts of self-harm, and having sex at younger ages. When will enough be enough? Are performance-driven, beauty pageant parents truly seeking their daughter’s best interest? At what cost are we willing to subject our children in order to satisfy our personal feelings of inadequacy? Is subjecting young girls to dangerously destructive media messages worth the profit gained from promotion and sales?

We were made with a purpose. We were intentionally created. Gensis 1:27 declares, “So God created man in his own image, in the image of God he created him; male and female he created them.” We were not made to be sexually objectified and discontent with our bodies. In fact, God granted us freedom to live under grace (Romans 6:14). We are encouraged to live boldly because we are His chosen children (Ephesians 1:4-7).

When our focus is on anxiously meeting the standards of our society, we neglect to experience the freedom in which Christ provided (Romans 6:23). We can become obsessive over straining to attain acceptance from a world that demands unachievable perfection. When we pursue the heavenly realms we exude an unmistakable, holy confidence. We walk in grace, knowing God’s purpose for our lives will be fulfilled (Psalm 138:8).

How do we protect innocent little ones from the sex-crazed, confidence-crushing, devaluing media messages? Instill a renowned self-respect and boost self-esteem with nonperformance and nonappearance related compliments. Give her the tools she needs to speak her mind. Encourage her to excel in math and the sciences. The APA recommends co-viewing media with young girls, in the hopes of helping shape their interpretations of the delivered messages.



We are called for more. How will you change the growing trend?



Sources:

American Psychological Association (APA), Sexualization of Girls
http://www.apa.org/pi/women/programs/girls/report.aspx

ABCNews.com
http://abcnews.go.com/Health/mom-year-daughter-botox-young-young/story?id=13580804

Mail Online, Mummy's little Lolita: The 11-year-old girl whose beauty treatments cost £300 a month to make her look like Barbie
http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1032029/Mummys-little-Lolita-The-11-year-old-girl-beauty-treatments-cost-300-month-make-look-like-Barbie.html

Interesting Info:

Cover Girl Culture: Awakening the Media Generation
http://www.covergirlculture.com/