The Truth of Your Existence

I have to admit.

I am so hard on myself. If I were to track the negative thoughts that run through my head, you (and I) would, most likely, be appalled. It seems ironic that I help women better their relationships with their bodies when I seriously struggle with accepting myself.

But, I do believe this is exactly where I am supposed to be...on this journey with you. No almighty been-there-done-that-and-overcome-body-image-issues-and-know-how-to-love-myself attitude coming from me. Nope, just raw, vulnerable "I feel you, sister." 

Today, James (the most amazing man in the world who just so happens to be my boyfriend) gave me one request.

"I have one request for you. I just ask for the rest of the week, you practice giving yourself grace. You so need it!...I just ask you to do one thing for me until Sunday and just practice giving yourself grace...I know you can do it, babe! You are loved and valued!" 

He really loves me. It is through situations such as these that I come to know this man wants the very best for me. And the very best right now is for me to learn to love me, value me, and accept me.

So, I was inspired to write a little something to express myself. In my head, I know the truth. I pray I (and you!) come to know Truth in our hearts.

True Beauty's Quintessence

By Kelsey Clevenger

When you look into the mirror,
What do you see?
Something horrific, tragic,
Someone disastrously ugly.

When you look into the mirror,
What comes to mind?
Unlovable, unworthy, 
Unfavorable, unkind.

Darling, my dear,
Do you know who you are?
Your Maker, your Father
Is not too far.

He hand-knit your soul,
Crafted your being.
He loves you and
Rejoices over you with singing.

I pray you come to know
The Truth of your existence.
With purpose and passion
God pursues you with persistence.

You are His gem,
His precious girl.
More valuable than the
Most most perfect of pearls.

Glistening, sparkling,
You are God's delight.
Sweet darling, please believe
You are perfect in His sight.

Stop feeding yourself lies,
Make the voices halt.
No more negativity,
Make positive your default.

For the words you speak
Become your essence,
When God actually calls you
True beauty's quintessence.

Sweet girl, lovely one
You have so much potential.
And loving who you are
Is so very essential.

If you're anything like me, and the truth of who you really are and your real value has been masked by societal pressures and downright lies, may you find peace today in knowing you're super awesome. You're made to do awesome things. And there is an awesome God who's got your back.

Live fully, love wholly, rejoice daily,
KC
xoxo

To Seek Understanding

"Help me to seek understanding before seeking to be understood."

That prayer resonated with me this morning. So often I earnestly desire to be understood.

If only they tried to understand me. 
If they tried to understand what's going on with me, they would get it. 

I walk the line of immature self-absorption in effort to feel understood when 1) I am fully known and understood by the freakin' Creator of the Universe God Himself and 2) my wasted effort to feel understood inhibits my ability to understand others, which consistently narrows my focus on myself.

We all have a story behind the facade of smiles and "I'm good" answers when asked how we are. We have pain. Scars. Aches. Loneliness. Abandonment. Hopelessness. Fear. Anger.

Scars. Aches.

Loneliness. Abandonment. Hopelessness.

Fear. Anger.

While I have been adamantly aiming for others to fully understand the complexities of my life, I have overlooked others' need to be understood and accepted as-is. What a humbling and sobering reality.

Brene Brown is one of my role models. She researches acceptance and belonging. She says all people want to experience a sense of belonging. 

Check out Brene Brown's teaching on vulnerability here:

 

For more from Brene Brown, check out her website here.

So, as a Christian passionate about living out my faith, my role is to, first, love God and, second, love others (Matthew 23:34-37). As love is a choice prompted by action rather than a feeling I conjure through romantic Netflix movies, my focus must change from being understood to understanding.

What that tangibly entails? I'm not entirely sure. But that is the beauty of being a work in progress. Several times in the Bible, God is referred to as a potter and his people are the clay (Isaiah 64). What does a potter do? Mold clay. 

So, today, may I be molded. May I learn to remove my focus from being understood and learn to better understand those around me. And may you be malleable clay, as well. 

Live wholly, love fully, rejoice daily. 
Kels
xoxo

Vivacious Living: Turning Away from the Problematic Distractions and Pursuing Life Boldly

I recently updated the layout, background, and template of my blog. It was not an intentionally planned change, but it happened. And it made me smile. The new layout is bright, cheery, and easily navigated. If you'd visited my blog in the past, it was fine...but just not easy to read or inviting, for that matter.

I started my blog as individualistic expression. I had been in outpatient treatment for an eating disorder while a student at Washington State University and working part time and I just needed a blank canvas for my thoughts, ideas, and worries. The more transparent I was about the inner battle I daily fought, the less power it had over me. Since, the blog is still a canvas for thoughts, ideas, and, even worries (See a past post titled, I Fear Being the Fat Trainer.)

The direction for my blog has changed. Originally, I was on a quest to help all women truly believe they were beautiful. I thought if we all knew we were lovely and beautiful we would be healed of our issues and be more confident. Since, I've learned that beauty is not what makes the world go round. (Who would have thought?!) Believing I'm beautiful does not elevate my confidence or spark a fire in my bones to make the world a better place. Believing I'm beautiful does not make me interesting, alluring, a better mentor, or a better person. It doesn't make me more skilled at my trade or more zealous to help those in need.

Believing I'm beautiful ended up becoming a band-aid covering a festering wound. I gave my allegiance to superficiality and objectivity. An "ugly day" totally threw off my mojo and sent me into depression. Maybe you can relate.

Vivacious, bold, radical living had to become my new pursuit if I was going to continue to win the battle over the eating disorder and other mental health related issues. What characterizes a vivacious, bold, radical woman?

Vivacious, bold, radical 

living had to become my new pursuit

A vivaciously bold, radically living woman is:
Funny- she has a sense of humor and she is secure enough to laugh at herself.

Respectable- she knows her body is hers and for her husband (or future husband). She does not gossip. She does not seek attention.

Generous- she uses her God-given resources to better the lives of others. Her time is not her own. She gives back to her community without blowing up her social media accounts to brag about her good deeds.

Focused- she has goals. But more importantly, she dreams. And then she pursues those dreams. She is focused on the here and now, living every day to its fullest, but she is focused on the future and makes choices to positively impact her future.

Thoughtful- she does her best to remember friends' birthdays, give words of encouragement, and think of others first. She genuinely wants the best for all people, even those who have wronged her.

Confident- she may be called weird or strange. She may be odd. But, she is living out who her Creator made her to be and she legitimately does not care what you think. Sorry, not sorry. She walks in freedom knowing she was made very good by a very good God (check out Genesis 1:1-31).

Open-minded- she is willing to learn from others and, even, change her perspective based on others' influence. She avoids religiosity and close-minded prejudices. She stands for what she believes, but loves all people, regardless of their choices.

Your focus may not be body image, beauty, or food issues. It may be a whole plethora of problematic distractions that inhibit you from vivacious living. But do not let it steal your joy. Do not let it become your god. Establish what are the non-negotiables in your life and pursue those with purpose and passion.

Live wholly, love fully, rejoice daily.
Kels
xoxo

From Chronic Dieting to Vibrant Living: How Randie Quit the Yo-Yo Diets and Changed her Life Forever

Meet Randie. She is one of my adored clients. She arrives to her 6 am workouts ready to kick butt! Randie is a go-getter. She has been on quite the journey. Read her story here. May it inspire and encourage you as well...
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Randie, right, in December 2014

My journey started at birth, 55 years ago.  After all, what is life but a journey?  I tried many diets over the years- some of them more than once. As I reflect, trying to write this, I believe that I wasn’t successful (I hate the word failure) because although I wanted to lose weight, I didn’t believe that I deserved to be thin and happy.

I didn't believe that I deserved to be thin and happy.  

There are so many “old tapes” I used to play in my head. Things I was told, things I read, things that I saw, etc. The truth of the matter is this….I can’t change the past, and I am not the same person I was when I was 5, 25 or even 50.  I am who I am right now, this minute.  

I knew many years ago that I didn’t want to have a bunch of pill bottles lined up on the kitchen counter as I got older. I just didn’t want that to be part of my future. I saw my grandparents live that way and now I was witnessing my parents following in the same footsteps. My parents are both at least 15 years older physically, than they are chronologically. It scares the hell out of me.

It scares the hell out of me.


I know that so many of their health problems could have been avoided if they had made better choices when they were younger. I believe that there are so many things beyond our control that can kill us. Why wouldn’t I want to take control of the things I can? I am NOT getting any younger, so it was time! It was time to take control and make changes in my life. I do not want to live forever. I just want to feel as good as I can for as long as I can!

In December, 2014 I heard about a new diet plan while having coffee with a friend. I did some research and decided to try it. I am not going to share it at this time because it is not a cure all. Many of my co-workers, friends and family have also tried this food plan after seeing my weight loss.  Some have lost weight and others have not. It makes me feel bad because I know that, yet again, they feel like they "failed.” I really believe, from the bottom of my soul, that my motivation to really do it this time came from a totally different place. I was scared of my future. How many pills would I need to regulate blood pressure, cholesterol, depression, reflux, pain in my joints, diabetes…? The list can go on and on. 

Well, the weight started coming off. I was losing two to three pounds each week. Not the 0.4 or 0.6 I had lost during my last round with dieting. Each and every week I lost weight. The most I lost in one week was four pounds and the least I lost was one. I am happy to share that to date I have about 65 pounds.

Sometime in June, 2015, I heard about FytGurlz. Not once, or twice, but three times in ONE day!  I looked up and said "O.K.  I get it! I will look into FytGurlz today!” I filled out the information slip online and the very next day I was contacted. What I immediately liked was that I was given the opportunity to try each and every class offered one time free of charge. I was blown away! That told me they had a great product to offer and they knew if people came, they would love all that FytGurlz offers! 

When I was contacted, I explained that I was interested in someone who could help me re-hab my knees. I have had knee pain in one or both of my knees for about 5 years. Yes, I have been to the doctor and physical therapist. Nothing helped. I was told that Kelsey was the girl for me. When we met, I was feeling a little anxious. I was afraid of failing by not following through. But I knew the only thing holding me back was me.

But I knew the only thing holding me back was me.

I met with Kelsey and we hit it off right away. All of my anxiety went away. I believed she could help me help myself. She told me that her passion is to help the body function the way it was meant to function.  She has so much energy, knowledge and passion…it is contagious!

Randie in September 2015

I started off with personal training sessions with Kelsey in July. We met once each week. In addition, she created a personalized plan for me to do at home. After the first two weeks, I was feeling stronger-- emotionally and physically. She created each workout to help my body function to the best of its ability. After two months, Kelsey encouraged me to switch to the small group fitness classes.  This would provide the opportunity to meet twice as often for less money than I was presently investing in myself. Really? Get more and pay less? Who does that?! 

I was a bit reluctant for many reasons. I was afraid I couldn’t keep up with the others. I was also afraid to make the commitment. I was afraid I would let myself down. Don’t get me wrong….I have been exercising doing Jazzercise for over 4 years now. I just knew that this would be different than anything I had ever done before. Kelsey assured me that I was ready. She had as much faith in me as I do in her! What an amazing feeling! She wanted the same things for me that I want for myself...HEALTH!

And so, here it is, October 2015. I LOVE going to the small group “No Excuses” fitness class two times each week. I have had absolutely no issues keeping up with the other ladies, even though I am twice their age! At every session Kelsey asks about my knees and reminds me to let her know if I need any modifications. Kelsey has gone above and beyond. She is so easy to talk to and she encourages me with praise and, every now and then, she takes my picture. She has helped me see, literally see how fit and strong I am becoming.

I still want to lose some more weight, but this time it is not about what size I wear or how much I weigh. This time it is about how I feel!

This time it is about how I feel!

It is easy to fall back on old patterns and criticize myself for this or that, but I am trying to treat myself like I would treat my best friend if she were on this journey. I would treat her with love, understanding, encouragement and praise. I don’t know where my journey called life will take me, but I do know this: You are NEVER too old and it is NEVER too late to reinvent yourself!
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Live wholly, love fully, rejoice daily.
Kelsey
xoxo

Jesus Gives Life

Too much and still not enough.
Broken in this world, yet complete in Him.
Seeking outer beauty when the inner has eternal value.
Long days, lonely nights.

Too loud but not bold enough.
Empty from the pain, yet full from His grace.
Seeking more than what is superficially offered.
He saves, gives life.